To continue the Julie Saga....

I thought things were finally over and done. She had made her choices and I didn't wait for any phone calls; I moved on. But, just like always, just after a few weeks; just when I finally stopped thinking about her, she called me.

I stared down at the caller ID on my phone and froze. Part of me longed for this call and another part of me dreaded it. But, I took it. She wanted to get together to talk. I knew I had a big enough emotional scab and that I wouldn't be completely vulnerable and might actually stand up for myself for once.

We ended up at a park along the river and she had brought along one of her daughter; my favorite. We started talking and I didn't give her much slack. I told her exactly how much she had hurt me.

I also let her know exactly how I felt that time I had gone to her house and confronted the Knuckledragger. I asked her if I caused them to have a less than friendly night. She said it had led to a big fight that night. I answered, "Aw, too bad".

But of course, the entire reason for meeting was her asking me for money. Honestly, I fought it for a while.My budget was tight that week and I really couldn't afford to load even $5. I even pointed out that she had picked the worst possible day to ask as it was the day when I would have been headed to Shore Leave and that SHE was the reason I had not been able to afford to go over the past two years.

But she said it was because she had no electricity and she had the 4 girls. Like a bad card table, I folded. As I rolled the possibility around in me head I also asked THE question. I didn't want to and could see all of my friends lined up in front of me yelling, "DON'T SAY IT!" But I asked if her meeting with me was about more than the money; if it was also about us. She said yes. She said she had made a mistake with the Knuckledragger; that he was abusive and hit her and that he was out of the picture and had been gone from the house for weeks.

I gave her the money and sat back waiting. To my surprise and relief she did try calling me on the day she told me she would have the money to repay me. All the time in that park by the river we talked about trust. We talked about how damaged the trust was between us. I told her how much of a limb I was being put on my loaning the money. I was in a meeting when she called and didn't get to call her back right away. Since the Knuckledragger was gone I figured I would simply drive up to her place and see her and the girls.

I knocked on the door and waited as I hears scrambling around inside. Suddenly, one of the girls called out, "Mom! Dad! There's someone at the door!"

DAD?

OK, I thought, he ex-had finally grown a pair and came down to help out since things had gotten so bad. That made sense. Well, you probably have already guessed that it wasn't her ex but the Knuckledragger who walked out of the bedroom.

I think I felt blood vessels in my head burst.

She rambled on about him "only stopping by" and some excuse about the money. I really didn't hear it. I didn't even bother to get into it with her. I mostly did that because of the girls. I have always believed that you don't fight in front of children and this would be a doozey. SO, I excused myself and simply walked away saying, "Call when you know what's happening".

As I drove home I cried and screamed. I was angry at her and I was angry at myself. How could I be so god damned stupid? When I got home I mixed an ample amount of rum with Coke Zero and proceeded to get smashed. My head couldn't process any more and my emotions were burned to a crisp; the rum seemed to sooth all of that and was probably the only way I was able to sleep that night.

I guess I can look on this as a learning experience. I hope I can move on from this without too much damage. I hope I can be open hearted enough to the next woman without second guessing every move she makes or looking for double meaning behind each word she says.

I guess I just have to be sure the next one isn't a heartless and manipulative bitch.

Oh, wait...does that mean I haven't exactly gotten over it all yet?