It has been three days since I last saw Julie and two days since we talked. No, things aren't going too well. She has crappy cell phone service to begin with and then one of the girls damaged the phone she has. That may account for part of the lack of contact. I am trying not to panic.

I had sent her flowers at work Monday and talked to her briefly that evening. She was worried I was mad at her after Sunday's conversation and I reassured her I was not. Honestly, I am not. Frustrated, yes; but angry, no. I am trying to see things from her point of view and to give her time and space to figure all of this out.

But the lack of contact is driving me nuts. I finally went by tonight to see her but no one was home. I left a short note (the least stalker-like thing I could think of doing) saying I missed her and urged her to call or stop by.

The frustration is the worst part. Not knowing what the hell is going on in her head. But, of course I thought I knew that to being with but, apparently, I was wrong.

I don't know how I can say this without sounding sexist but since this appears to be the second time in recent history that this has happened in a relationship I think I can ask; what the fuck is with you women?! I was once engaged to be married. She was the one who asked me; she actually gave me a ring and proposed. Then four months later she said she simply changed her mind and "didn't love me anymore". Two weeks ago Julie calls me up out of the blue to say that I make her happier than she's been in a long time and she wants to be boyfriend and girlfriend and in less than a week can't find the words to describe us to a stranger. How do you shut it off like that? I still have lingering feelings for both of my ex-wives and probably still carry a torch or two from back in high school. Yet women seem able to just flip a switch and move on.

Maybe that's just anger rearing its ugly head. I am really trying not to be angry with Julie; she has a lot she's going through. A good friend of mine says I'm being too nice and maybe she's right. I simply want this to work. I have been nurturing this relationship differently than others over the past nine months and don't want to lose it.