The past 30 days have been a trip through hell and back again. Over the next few posts I will go through some of it with you. Some of it has been painful and I would just rather forget it. Some of it, just because I am 46; I have forgotten.

Of course, the first topic to tackle is....Julie.

A few days ago a friend came up to me at work and said she had met up with Julie and her kids in Wally World. She was there stocking up for her move back to Michigan that coming weekend.

My friend went on to tell me more about their conversation and I know that I responded as if I were still part of the conversation saying something like, "Well, I hope she's happy", but on the inside I was lost. It was like in the opening scene of "Saving Private Ryan" when the camera goes under the water; all sound is muffled and phased out as if heard from miles away and each sound is distorted. I know I was moving around the room and going through the motion of filling my coffee cup but it seemed as if I was reaching for a coffee maker which was miles out of my reach. Everything in my world was ripped apart as the sun imploded.

In the span of fifteen seconds I went through shock, remorse, anger, mourning and depression. Each of them jumped to the top of my heart at the same time each fighting to be the strongest and none of them staying for more than a second of two. The air was knocked out of my lungs and I staggered back to my desk. Eventually, I came back to clarity as I retied to calm myself. I was able to focus again but continued to be distracted by the news for the rest of the day.

I had just started to come to terms with the whole situation and was moving on. I resigned myself to the fact it was over and had a speech ready just in case she ever did manage to get up the nerve to call me.

Now, the cold reality that she was more than just gone but had left the state without as much as a good bye hit me like a ton of bricks. You will be happy to know that I did not fall into my usual pattern and well on the negative, self-blaming feelings I was going through but quickly went to completely blaming her. I had done everything right this time and yet she pulled away from what I had to offer and fell into her own pattern of co-dependency. She was part of an abusive relationship which fed upon itself an nothing I could have done, apparently, could have kept her out of the cannibalistic cycle of that life.

I am pissed off at her for leaving without saying goodbye. I am disappointed that she wouldn't give us a chance. I am mourning the loss of the relationship. I am sad that she is in a relationship that is only bound to hurt her again. I feel sorriest for and miss her girls. I am angry at myself for what how that relationship fed into the financial situation I am in right now.

The worst part of it......not only did she leave without paying back about $150 bucks I loaned her but she never returned some DVD's I let her borrow....including "Shawshank Redemption"!!!!!! SHE'S GOT MY FRAKKING COPY OF "SHAWSHANK"!....the bitch!