OK, OK, damnit!

I just received an email from a friend of mine which sort of slapped me with a little reality.

"I hope that whatever is eating away at you...for something surely is, will rectify itself shortly. You have not been yourself lately, and if it shows to me, someone who is just a bit more than an acquaintance, then how is this spilling over to your real friends, unless you are terribly grand at hiding your feelings from everyone."

WOW! Am I that transparent? I thought I was supposed to be a fracking actor?! Well, the answer is, yes. I have reatreated a lot in the past few months in a number of areas. I'll try catching up in this ost and others.

Here goes attempt number one.......

While I don't think I am in a "depression" I am, at the very least, in one on my funks. And it's a whopper. However, at the same time, I am active, having fun and getting somethings done. I went to Halloween Horror Nights last weekend (a post in itself), I am running to be the Regional Coordinator for the southeast portion of the states in Starfleet International, things have slightly improved at work and if I'm not losing weight I have stabalized a little.

So, what's to be bothering me? I think the work situation started all this. It just took a while to manifest itself. There are options I am looking at both inside and outside my present position. For some odd reason, I hold out hope that things will improve. The ultimate optimist; that's me.

Financially, things are VERY tight. This is closely tied in with the work situation. Like may people at work, my income has nosedived over the past year. Not to air ALL my laundry, but I am down thousands and thousands compared to where I was last year. I have been able to dance around it the past few months and am now on a first name basis with the entire staff at the payday advance place. This month that all turned into a major meltdown and I am scrambling to rollover a 401K loan to catch up on lapsed bills and give me an umbrella until things improve.

Does that have an affect on me?

You're damn skippy it does!

When I first moved to Florida, I lived out of my car for almost a week. I have always prided myself on being resiliant. I have always been able to bounce back from tough times and I know I will again. I guess my demeanor while going through it is another matter.

My work with the Operations Department if Starfleet has backed up. Each weekend I promise myself to sit down and catch up. I sit at the computer and open a program or two and then suddenly either find myself surfing for unrelated things or driftung back to the TV. This weekend I have promised myself to go through everything and get catch up. Luckily, DirecTV has been shut off so I'll have one less distraction.

Another area in my life I have retreated from is Stephany. Well, that is for a lot of reasons; also a post in itself. We are still friends and I care for her as a friend but there are tiems when I have sat and let the answering machine take call after call from her. I just sit there looking at the phone as it rings. The odd part is that I don't really feel anything. Except for the dread when I do have to talk with her and try to avoid answering the question why I have been avoiding her. And I don't usually do this to friends. I don't even do this to people I don't even like. Maybe when the funk is over I will be able to really come to grips with whatever emotions are boiling underneath about her.

One thing that gnaws at me is the more I learn about "the other person" at work. We talk and I keep learning more about her. We laugh at the same things. Have the some of the same interests. And the part that gets me the most is that I had the opportunity and missed it.

Right at the same time Stephany came into my line of sight (about 5 months ago), so did "the other person". I debated back and forth for days which I was going to approach; I was hesitant over both because of the age difference, but finally decided. Turns out this was just at the same time when "the other person" met the guy she is seeing.

Boy! Was THAT a good decision!!!

If you've read my blog with any regularity you'll know I just eat up the "what might have been" scenarios. Is this feeding into my funk? Without paying $120 per hour to a professional I really couldn't tell you but it's a good possibility. Will I get over all this? Also a good possibility. I have this little therapy session sitting right in front of me.

I did say there was some good going on and I'll get that im my next post.