My oldest sister Joan just went through "routine" surgery on an arthritic shoulder. Two days after the surgery her blood pressure dropped dramatically and some to her internal complications. She ended up staying in the hospital two extra days while they worked to stabilize her and to figure out what happened. She is going home today and has follow up appointments with two specialists because they still weren't able to determine whether it was simply a reaction to the surgery or something more.

It wasn't until after I hung up the phone with her when I started to shake. I suddenly got hit with the fear of losing another member of my family. If you've read my blog with any regularity you know how well I do with death. Aunts, uncles and even parents can be dealt with. Somehow trying to wrap my mind around the actual eventuality of losing a sibling really hit me.

If my weight loss surgery really helps me as much as they say it will, I may end up outliving my sisters. I may end up one of the last of my circle of friends. I envision myself like Belushi on "Don't Look Back in Anger"; gray-haired and lamenting on those who passed before me. It's odd to think on myself in those terms. Last week as I looked Red Barrows in his eighties and tried to picture myself in the same light. Watching him and Harry walking side by side and then later looking into the bright and youthful eyes of my son trying to imagine the same for us forty years from now.

While I usually have a problem with death I will admit some of the things I am looking forward to. No surprise that they have to do with my son. My father died when I was fifteen so there was a lot I missed out on with him. I daydream sometimes about going to a bar with my grown son. Going on road trips and having him drive. I am anticipating the day when I am called "Grampa".


No preassure on him though!